sweater dress ambivalence

The sweater dress w/tag still on it. When I find matching tights, maybe I'll post a real picture. If I don't return it first.

Let me paint a picture for you.

My bed isn't made but clean sheets are sitting at the foot of it, waiting. There are empty water glasses on the dresser and a half-full coffee cup on the nightstand. Boxes are strewn everywhere, some are filled with books and meticulously sorted and labeled by genre. For example, one Fat Tire Amber Ale box with a vintage bicycle printed on it is filled with children's literature, while another empty Old Rasputin Russian Imperial Stout box is waiting to be filled with Russian literature, it's tipped over on it's side on my study futon. New teaching clothes with the tags still on them are hanging on the armoire, papers are everywhere.

I'm standing in the middle of the chaos in front of a giant mirror propped up on an old Army trunk and I'm wearing a new sweater dress with the tags still on it and I'm thinking the following things:

1.) Jessie and Kaitlyn would both be upset if they knew what I was wearing right now, but Korea is supposed to be cold with no central heating! 

2.) Will I ever become a teacher? How many times will Korea change her mind?

3.) Should I have bought the orange sweater dress that made me look like Velma instead of this one?

4.) At least, if I stay in Seattle, I get to hang out with Sarah Karnes.

5.) I like the pleated shoulders on this dress, but, I wish it was green.

6.) I want to get rid of everything I own.

7.) I am going to miss my stuff if I ever go overseas.

8.) So, this is what wearing teacher's clothes feels like?

9.) I wonder if I'm doing the right thing.

10.) I wonder if I'm doing the right thing.

11.) I wonder if I'm doing the right thing.

12.) I wonder if I'll ever actually get to Korea.

In my defense, I went into the discount department store looking for a thick winter coat a few days ago because everyone keeps touting the tales of frigid Korean winters and my peacoat is slightly threadbare from 6 years of use. But the store didn't have coats. They did, however, have sweater dresses of every colour and pattern. I could not help myself.

Last week, I was offered a job with a private Korean school and I accepted it and started to get really, pretty excited. On friday, I paid lots of good money to send all my documents to Korea to start the visa process. I only told a few people and announced nothing on facebook because I figured, you don't really know until you're there.

Last night I was watching Spirited Away when I got an email from my recruiter saying that the school cannot hire me anymore because of "financial problems." I cannot really convey to you how I've felt the last 36 hours.

Korea. You are more fickle than Seattle's summer sunshine. You're like a middle school romance.

This afternoon, I stood in my closet, seriously considering taking back some clothes that still have the tags on them. Teacher's clothes. Clothes that might be out of season before they see the light.

Right now, I'm ambivalent about everything, including that sweater dress, despite the fact that my mother says I look good in it.